Though we ache, though we cry, never break, never die

Something keeps squeaking, and every time it happens I jump. Normally I wouldn't be frightened by little noises, but seeing as I am a half hour snowmobile ride plus an hour drive to the nearest person, the little noises become not so little.

So here I sit, next to the fire, a warm cup of coffee on the table beside me, Thousands of square feet of Beautiful mountain lodge all to myself, each window framing a different, yet equally beautiful landscape. Nothing but snow, mountains, trees, and sky. The perfect place to escape to, which, coincidentally, is exactly what I have been looking for. I realize that where I am is not real life. I can't stay here forever, and if I did, I would probably go crazy. It is, however, just as easy to go crazy, in the presence of friends, family, co-workers, and strangers, without leaving the comfort of home. For no reason in particular (or perhaps many reasons put together), I found myself losing a piece of my sanity last week. I can put my finger on some of the reasons, but in all honesty, none of the excuses I came up with justified the reaction my brain had. The physical result of my issue was 6 days with 10 hours of accumulated sleep, barely enough food to survive (luckily I have reserves), unnecessary irritability, and hours upon hours of reflection.

What did I learn from this experience? I stand now on the opposite end of what could have been a breakdown, and I am happy. I hated Life, I cursed, I was angry, then passive, then angry, I prayed, I thought (deep thought), I avoided thought, I cried out, I sat in silence, I mourned, I schemed, I listened,and then....I accepted. I accepted that my life is what it is, And that I cannot change who I am. I can, however strive to be the best me possible, to be the best friend I can be, the best man I can be, and to change things for the better.

This was not necessarily a life changing moment, but it has definitely brought me peace, so that I can fully enjoy being where I am, and look forward to where I will be next.

"This is the start, this is your heart

This is the day you were born
This is the sun, these are your lungs
This is the day you were born

And I am always yours

These are the scars deep in your heart
This is the place you were born
This is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out
From the places you've been torn"

-Jon Foreman